Are you or someone you know struggling with caregiver guilt? It is a very real and common emotion. Although caregiving can be extremely rewarding, all caregivers are likely to experience some degree of frustration, anger, and guilt. These feelings are perfectly normal responses to an exceptionally emotional and courageous job. Knowing all of this, the questions remain, “What causes caregiver guilt?” and “How should you deal with it?”

What causes caregiver guilt? 

The cause is as unique as the individuals involved. From caring for a parent with dementia to caring for a spouse, the number and types of hurdles are different for everyone. Circumstances are impacted by the type and level of need and external pressures. Under the best of conditions, being a caregiver can cause burnout and stress. Unfortunately, caregivers are typically dealing with several stressors at a time. For instance, you may experience frustration over your now hectic life, or lack of control over your loved one’s circumstances. From there, anger often develops into guilt. You may start to feel as if there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It is usually at this point that you wonder, “how much longer can I do this?” Thoughts such as this are inevitably followed by even more feelings of guilt. Other common feelings that trigger caregiver guilt are:

• Resentment over personal time lost – It is normal to feel like your life is passing by when most of your time is spent caring for someone else. Caregivers often think that they are wrong to feel this way.
• The sting of unresolved issues – Frequently, there are issues stemming from childhood or past arguments that encumber the caregiving process. Many caregivers feel guilty about this.
• Inferiority to other caregivers – Caregivers regularly compare themselves to other caregivers and think that they could never be as good. This feeling of inadequacy causes guilt.
• Knowledge that placement is inevitable – There can be tremendous guilt involved when a caregiver realizes that the situation is not sustainable. They know that their loved one will be safer, healthier, and often happier in an assisted living or memory support community. Even so, they feel guilty thinking they somehow failed as a caregiver and are not observing their loved one’s wishes.
• Being overwhelmed with your own responsibilities – A caregiver may be dealing with their own familial, personal, or health problems, leaving less time to devote to caregiving. Caregivers feel guilty about this as well.

Overcoming caregiver guilt 

These are just a few examples of the ways guilt can take hold and overwhelm you. The important thing to remember is that it is normal to experience these feelings and there are ways to manage caregiver guilt.

• Acknowledge the guilt – We have established that it is absolutely normal to feel guilt from time to time. Once you recognize it, you are better able to deal with it.
• Step back and look at the bigger picture – Granted, you may be stressed with the situation now. It will not last forever. Look at what you are doing for your loved one and admit that you are doing a valuable job.
• Accept that you are a human with limitations – Some of us may be good at the physical aspects of caregiving. Others may be more adept at handling the emotional role of caregiver. Regardless, focus on your strengths and not the negatives.
• Commit to making time for yourself – This is easier said than done. Even so, it is an absolute necessity. Taking time for yourself helps you put the whole situation in a better perspective. The changes do not need to be grand. Start with an hour or two a week. Take that time to go for a walk, out for coffee with a friend, or attend a caregiver support group.
• Accept that you are making the best decision now – This can be the hardest thing to accept. You may have made a promise to a loved one that, under the current circumstances, cannot be kept. Remember that the promise was made under different conditions and without knowledge of what the future might bring. Always make the best decision for your loved one.

No part of the caregiver journey is easy. These suggestions are just a few ways to help you navigate it. The truth is it was never your loved one’s intent that you be a self-sacrificing servant. And you will always be a more effective caregiver when you care for yourself first.

What to do if your loved one needs more care than you can give 

If you are at the point where you can no longer provide the level of care your loved one needs, it is important not to let guilt cloud your best judgement. The thing to remember is that there is a vast difference between caring and doing. Although you love and care, there may come a point when you just cannot do it all.

Not being able to care for your loved one at home is far from giving up. Assuring they are in an environment where they are safe and have the resources and support they need is caring. Making sure they are in nurturing social surroundings is also caring. Often, seniors who were rapidly declining living alone, find that living in a senior living community made a marked difference. When they receive dedicated care, therapy, healthy regular meals, and become part of a caring community, they go from surviving to thriving.

The Cabana at Jensen Dunes in Jensen Beach, FL, is one of those communities that has seen, repeatedly, remarkable positive change in their residents. From lovely maintenance-free apartments to generous services and amenities, it is a lifestyle that brings out the best in everyone. If you would like to learn more about The Cabana’s assisted living or memory care, contact us or call 772-758-1003 for a personal appointment.