When a loved one develops dementia, their world, and yours, changes. There are new limitations and considerations. Your focus shifts to keeping them safe and content as they battle a disease that can confuse and agitate them. And although no two individuals experience dementia the same way, there are some basic dos and don’ts of dementia. Heeding them will make everyone’s days a little sweeter.
Because many do not have a great deal of experience with dementia, we turned to Karla Oliver, Executive Director at The Cabana at Jensen Dunes, an assisted living and memory care community in Jensen Beach, FL. For almost three decades, she has passionately championed new approaches to caring for those affected by dementia and Alzheimer’s. Karla is dedicated to educating families in the Jensen Beach area on ways to cope with the aging process. She is always looking for new and better ways to make living with memory loss easier for everyone involved.
Karla shared the ten dos and don’ts of dementia so you can keep your loved one happy, secure, and feeling the love!
10 Dos and Don’ts of Dementia
#1 Agree, never argue
“I’ve learned that when it comes to individuals with dementia,” says Karla, “you don’t want to challenge them.” She points out that they most likely do not really understand what you are arguing about. Little white lies are allowed when arguing or pressing the truth will just upset your loved one.
Karla shared a heart-warming story of how she was able to help a resident with dementia who woke up every morning agitated. This resident thought she needed to go to work on the second floor to earn money to care for her son. Karla wanted to ease her stress. Since the area of the community where the woman lives was one story, Karla told her the elevator was out of service. But she offered the woman a job helping with laundry. The woman was thrilled and asked if it paid the same wage as her other job. Of course, Karla assured her it did. Every day, the staff brought the woman to help with laundry, providing her with the fulfillment she was seeking. “You have to know your resident, the person they are,” says Karla.
#2 Divert, never reason
You may find yourself wanting to ask your loved one why they did something unreasonable or foolish. The truth is, they may not know why they did it. Asking them why just makes them second guess themselves and does not solve anything. It is always best to change the subject and move on.
#3 Distract, never shame
If your loved one says or does something that is not appropriate, do not try and explain to them why their actions were wrong. Instead, distract them with a new conversation topic or new surroundings.
#4 Reassure, never lecture
Individuals with dementia can often feel disoriented and scared. Trying to reason with them that they should not be upset only escalates things. The best thing you can do is to speak lovingly and make eye contact. Also hold their hand and reassure them that everything is all right.
#5 Reminisce, never say “remember”
It is common to say, “Don’t you remember…?” when we want a loved one to remember something or someone. However, we need to be sensitive to those with dementia. They can get very frustrated and sad when they are aware that they do not remember things. “Instead,” says Karla, “reminisce with them.” She suggests looking at photos or simply asking them to recount a happy memory.
#6 Repeat, never say “I told you”
Whether it is the 2nd or the 22nd time you have told your loved one something, refrain from saying, “I told you.” The fact is that if they remembered, they would not have asked. Telling them that you already told them just makes them feel bad. Instead, Karla offers, “Change the subject. Go do something different. Bring up something to reminisce about.”
#7 Do what they can do, never say “you can’t”
If it does not put them in harm’s way, do not tell your loved one they cannot do something. “They may not do things the way you would,” says Karla, “but the act of doing gives them a sense of accomplishment.”
Another thing families often encounter is their loved one asking to go home. Karla says, “Don’t say ‘you can’t,’ but instead tell them you’d love to take them home. When the Dr. says they can go home, you’ll pack their bags and take them home.” Then, change the conversation.
#8 Ask, never demand
No one likes to be told what to do. Karla suggests, “Don’t tell them what to do. Ask ‘Can you help me?’” She says it makes them feel better since “we all need a purpose.” She shared that her own father got a part-time job after he retired to stay busy. However, she truly understood why he did it when he shared how he would help people at his job. He told her, “Someone needed me today.”
#9 Reinforce, never condescend
We all respond better to positive reinforcement. Focus on what your loved one is doing well and how much you appreciate it. You will quickly see their attitude change with just this small bit of honey instead of vinegar.
#10 Encourage, never force
“I find that everyone is motivated by something,” says Karla. She fondly speaks of one individual who would refuse to do a basic but necessary daily task. She discovered that they loved chocolate. So, she picked up a bag of Hershey’s Kisses and offered them a few in exchange for doing what they needed to. In the end, everyone was happy.
More valuable advice
Karla has a few more pearls of wisdom she wants everyone to know. She says, “If you are moving a loved one from their home to a memory care community in Jensen Beach, FL, don’t go out and buy all new things.” Many family members, understandably, want their loved one to have the best—all new. But she stressed that the better thing to do is to recreate a familiar atmosphere. “Take their favorite things no matter how tattered. It’s their home. Make them comfortable.”
Another thing Karla would like families to know is that it is “best not to bring your purse when you come for a visit.” She says that by carrying a purse, your visit looks temporary and reminds your loved one that you will be leaving. Along that same vein, “Don’t say goodbye when you have to go. Say ‘I’ll be right back’”. Most people with dementia do not have the concept of time. So, do not make a grand gesture of hellos and goodbyes.
“Humor and human touch are so very important,” Karla adds. “Older people need it even more because they had it and suddenly it’s gone. Especially for someone who lost a spouse.”
Most importantly, offers Karla, that we need to “set aside our feelings and think about our loved one’s perception, their world.” By doing this, we can all enjoy less conflict and more good times together.
At memory care communities like The Cabana at Jensen Dunes, in Jensen Beach, FL, residents benefit from compassionate, person-centered memory care for all forms of dementia. They receive it in an intimate neighborhood designed to enhance the physical, intellectual, spiritual, and social aspects of their lives. To learn more about The Cabana or to schedule a visit, contact us today or call 772-758-1003.