Family gatherings can be magical – filled with love and laughter. But they can also be stressful, especially when adult siblings navigate the challenges of caring for aging parents. Francine Russo is a journalist and author of They’re Your Parents, Too! How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy (Bantam, 2010). She uncovers some of the hefty and critical mistakes adult siblings make when caring for elderly parents.
6 Big Mistakes Adult Children Make with Their Aging Parents
Although there are many possible pitfalls, here are the 6 big mistakes adult children make with aging parents that Russo points out. We share them with you in the hopes of sparing you some anguish and difficult holidays by offering a different perspective on sibling dynamics.
1. Thinking that if your sibling is taking the lead in caring for your aging parents, you are off the hook
Whether it is the oldest, the youngest, or the one who never complains, one sibling is usually appointed POA (Power of Attorney). This sibling often becomes the “main caregiver”. Issues arise when other siblings think that just because another sibling has taken the lead they are “off the hook”. This practice may work for a while. Eventually, the main caregiver is bound to feel resentment and burnout. Caregiver burnout is very real. However, there are ways to share the load. All siblings could take turns driving to doctor appointments, cleaning the house, or cooking some meals to fill the freezer. If a sibling cannot spare the time, they could provide the funds to pay for support they cannot provide. The fact is that it is not one sibling’s responsibility to shoulder the care of aging parents. It is a family’s obligation.
2. Main caregivers think they should not have to ask for help
This logic does not work in any relationship. Main caregivers should not expect siblings to sense when help is needed. The main caregiver should speak up, be direct, and ask for help. Ideally, there should be a predetermined schedule for this help. The lead caregiver might feel increased resentment, but siblings may not realize the situation is so demanding. They might also not know how to help without getting in the way. All siblings should be given the benefit of the doubt and a chance to help. The solution is to ask.
3. Not seeing your siblings for who they are today—adults
It is hard to shake the image of your kid brother or older sister. It is common in family dynamics. Adult capabilities need to be expected and appreciated between adult siblings. Just because you showed your younger brother how to do everything as a kid does not mean he has not grown. It does not mean he is not a competent, capable adult today. Everyone is equal in the adult arena, with their own strengths to capitalize on. Respect each other, listen to other opinions and insights, and make plans for helping your aging parents together.
4. Not seeing that an aging parent, not a sibling, triggered your gripe
Without meaning to do so, parents can be the trigger for divides among siblings. Say, for instance, you fly in for a visit with your parents. When you arrive, they tell you your sister called twice today, and your brother is over three times a week. After your planning, expense, and long trip, that might not sit well with you. Another big divider is when aging parents tell siblings vastly different stories about how they are doing. The sibling who gets the good story thinks all is well. The sibling who hears the truth worries and wonders why they are the only one concerned. This is why it is so important to keep the lines of communication open and talk things out.
5. Putting off creating a plan for aging parents until it is too late
The midst of an emergency is a terrible time to be creating a plan. Sadly, this is an all-too-common scenario. In an emergency situation, with stress and tempers primed, siblings try to devise a plan under a ticking clock. It is not easy or comfortable, but discussing increased care with your family is necessary. And it should be done when your aging parents are still healthy. One successful tactic is to have the discussion early on in a get-together and then move on to doing something fun.
6. Expecting all your siblings to grieve the same way you do
Whether morning for the actual passing of a parent or for the person they once were, everyone shows emotion differently. Just because your brother seems unaffected while you are an emotional mess does not mean he is not feeling something. Some personalities are more private, others more demonstrative. The most important thing to remember is that you must respect and show consideration for each other. You should create a safe place to process their feelings and emotions.
The compassionate, experienced professionals at The Cabana at Jensen Dunes in Jensen Beach, FL, help families in the greater Port St. Lucie area navigate senior care for their loved ones. They can also help adult children move through the process with siblings and aging parents. When the time comes for a parent or parents to benefit from the services, amenities, and secure plan for the future of an assisted living community, consider The Cabana. Call us at 772-758-1003 or contact us to schedule a personal appointment.